Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
