My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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