i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
