When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
