I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
