I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I came so hard my ears popped.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize