My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
