Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
