it's too hot outside to masturbate.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
