You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
