At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
