I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
