I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
