I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
