You can't special order awesome
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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