If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
