My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize