R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
