I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Randomize
