maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
