Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
