When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
