my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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