the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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