Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
