wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
