She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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