I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
