There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
