its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
