I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
