I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
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