just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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