So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
