You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize