I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You dont lie about slip and slides
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
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