I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
