he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
