I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
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