i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
