I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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