i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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