Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
