so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
