Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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