Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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