question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
