Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
