here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
