I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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