I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
