My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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