if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
