I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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