Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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