I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
