There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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