when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize