my phone needs a breathalizer
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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