It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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