I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
