remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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