I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
