no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
